Episode 5: Full episode - Lloyd Polkinghorne - Recovery from a firearm accident (Blast injury).
In the final episode of this series we meet Lloyd Polkinghorne, a 36 year old newspaper owner and editor and a former mixed irrigator from Barham in NSW. Lloyd was injured by a misfiring shotgun in 2013 whilst assisting neighbouring farmers to clear birds from their crops. Whilst the injuries he received were largely invisible, the effects upon him were significant. He's a tough, resilient and courageous man and an incredible community advocate.
Whilst this is the final episode for the year, I've got some great interviews lined up which I'm looking forward to recording in the months ahead and I look forward to sharing these with you next year. In the meantime, if you have any interview suggestions or feedback on the series thus far please feel free to reach out at: stories.of.recoveryrf@gmail.com
Stay safe... and keep going :)
Cheers, Robbie
Full transcripts and show notes are available for each chapter on the podcast website: storiesofrecovery.buzzsprout.com
Lloyd's recommendations:
For more detailed show notes, see the individual chapter sections on the podcast website.
Episode 5: Full episode - Lloyd Polkinghorne - Recovery from a firearm accident (Blast injury).
In the final episode of this series we meet Lloyd Polkinghorne, a 36 year old newspaper owner and editor and a former mixed irrigator from Barham in NSW. Lloyd was injured by a misfiring shotgun in 2013 whilst assisting neighbouring farmers to clear birds from their crops. Whilst the injuries he received were largely invisible, the effects upon him were significant. He's a tough, resilient and courageous man and an incredible community advocate.
Whilst this is the final episode for the year, I've got some great interviews lined up which I'm looking forward to recording in the months ahead and I look forward to sharing these with you next year. In the meantime, if you have any interview suggestions or feedback on the series thus far please feel free to reach out at: stories.of.recoveryrf@gmail.com
Stay safe... and keep going :)
Cheers, Robbie
Full transcripts and show notes are available for each chapter on the podcast website: storiesofrecovery.buzzsprout.com
Lloyd's recommendations:
For more detailed show notes, see the individual chapter sections on the podcast website.
Welcome to Stories of Recovery. My name is Robbie Frawley and on this podcast I interview people who have experienced and recovered from brain related conditions such as stroke, concussion, chronic pain and traumatic brain injury. We discuss their story and highlight the things which have been most beneficial and most important in their recovery. This might be specific treatments or medical professionals that were most critical. It could be books, knowledge or advice which they were given or which they found along the way. Or even particular habits, attitudes or practices that helped them the most. I've learnt that the brain is incredibly complex, that there are many different stories, that different things have worked for different people, and that no one's got all the answers. But if you or someone you care about struggling to recover from one of these, or another brain related condition, the podcast was really made with you in mind, I want you to know that others have been where you are now, and that they have gotten better. Hopefully, in the interviews that follow you'll hear a thing or two which resonate, and which help you to do just that. So who am I? Well, I'm a young man who grew up in country, Victoria, Australia. And I've had a number of concussions growing up playing sport. After the last one, which was over seven years ago now, I developed something called post concussion syndrome. I'd never even heard of this but it left me with ongoing fatigue, headaches, nausea, vertigo, cognitive fog, overwhelm and sensitivity to impact. It had a really dramatic effect on my life and it took many years, much effort and great assistance from others to fully recover from it. And now that I am back to 100%, I'd like to help you in any way I can to get you back to good health. My hope is that we can provide some light at the end of the tunnel for you, and also give you some useful tips and tricks that might help you along the way. Now, one thing to remember is that the brain is a really marvellous thing. And you can get better. I know that for me, when things were particularly tough, I really needed to hear that. I've left in as much of the context detail and information in these interviews as possible, which means they can be quite long, but they are split into key chapters to make it easier to listen and also to help you to focus on what you need to hear right now. And remember that you can pause and come back to the story in as many small bites as you need. So without any further ado, let's jump into it. In this final episode for the year, I'm speaking with Lloyd Polkinghorne, a 36 year old newspaper owner and editor and a former mixed irrigator from Barham in New South Wales. Lloyd was injured by a misfiring shotgun in 2013 whilst he was assisting neighbouring farmers to clear birds from their crops. The injuries he received are largely invisible, but the effects upon him are significant. He's one of the most resilient and courageous men I've come across and he's also an incredible community advocate. This conversation took place in January 2021, in Barham on the lands of the Barapa Barapa people of southern New South Wales. I'd like to pay my respects to their elders past and present and Aboriginal elders of other communities who may be listening to this conversation. I wish you courage and energy on your own journey forward and I hope you enjoy this wide ranging conversation. Cheers. Thank you very much Lloyd for having me here in beautiful Barham. It's a pleasure to be here up in southern New South Wales. Do you want to start off just by telling us a little bit about yourself and who you are?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, well who I am these days is a bit of a complex discussion. So I was raised in Moulamein on a mixed irrigation farm.
Robbie Frawley:So that's what, an hour north of the New South Wales border?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, basically, it's about 70 kms(north) and then it's part of the floodplain on the mid Murray. So, irrigation sort of came through the area, you know, a good 70-80 years ago. They were soldier settler farms and then they'd sort of brought irrigation in and the soldiers got to develop the country and yeah, so I was raised there. I was one of four kids and we had a great childhood, had lots of opportunities to play sport and those sorts of things. Footy and tennis and swimming. And then had all the on farm excitement, so motorbikes and shooting and all the normal things that country kids get to enjoy. And then did Primary School in Moulmein. And then did High School in Barham. So I'd do an hour on the bus each way to come into high school. And then yeah, I actually finished up school early, went driving headers, did a bit of contracting and then started an apprenticeship, essentially when I would have been doing year 12. So I didn't see any point continuing on with school, it didn't really agree with me. Yeah. So I got an apprenticeship with a diesel mechanic Aaterpillar dealer in Swan Hill.
Robbie Frawley:Wow.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. So went and did my time there. The trade school was in Melbourne, we were the first year to go through Caterpillar Institute in Tullamarine. So went through that sort of thing and then I actually broke my back when I was a diesel mechanic, and then eventually had to change and went home farming. And then it was a pretty intensive farm. So at that stage, I'd gotten married. And then our farm was a mix of summer cropping and winter cropping we'd also do a bit of contract harvesting and spraying. And then I was involved with industry groups and things too.
Robbie Frawley:Rice growing?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, so rice growing. Central exec, I was a delegate on that. I was Workool branch president for a bit. I was involved with some CMA, landcare teering groups. I was president of little athletics. I was a director of Moulmein Grain Co-op.
Robbie Frawley:Pretty involved!
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah I had a few things going on, and then we had a real estate agency as well. So had my real estate ticket too.
Robbie Frawley:Far our, alright, well, that's a really good (summary). You were a busy man by the sounds of things!
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, there was always something going on.
Robbie Frawley:And then let's go back to January 2013. So that's a really good (summary) is that a good representative picture of what your life looked like at that point?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yep. No that was, you know, it was just another day for me. We'd actually, we had quite a big rice year, allocations were good so we'd done up a fairly healthy planting. It was a shocking year for birds. Like we had sort of flocks of 4000 Ducks leaning on crops and just wiping him out. Yeah. It cost us about 1500 bucks a hectare to grow rice and say, when I can smash that in the morning, like a good, a good mobile doc. So at the time, we've been doing quite a lot of shooting, and I had an older gun that my father in law had given me. And I thought I thought I'd get rid of that and actually buy a new, a new gun. So I went in, upgraded,
Robbie Frawley:sorry, just to paint the picture. So because of the ducks, it was sort of, like it was quite typical that the farmers within a was would go out. And when, when ducks or birds were landing on the crops to go out and sort of shoot to clear them. Is that
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yep. So we generally all look after our own crops, and then later in the season, you actually get bald goods coming in, then they nest in the crop. Yep. And they actually fall the plant down, they twisted off and they make platforms to breed on. Wow, this is a duck still that bowl. Good. So they're also called Purple swamp pins. And it's just before the grain is starting to come out in the plant next to make some plants. They're all so yeah. And rather than making one nest, they just keep making this to show off to the lady. So like, you can have one bird that will just keep making this interest and just wipe it across
Robbie Frawley:just building impressive houses.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, essentially here. Yeah, and they're, you know, they're quite hard to get out of the rocks. They just go and lay down right in the bottom. So you got to get out and walk through it. And yeah, and we gently tried to walk through in a line and just scare them off. And we generally go then to help the neighbours so they don't just go and reinvest. Okay,
Robbie Frawley:so that would happen every season. Yeah,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:but they don't like some easy don't get that many hog. It's not too bad. It's a seasonal thing depending on the breeding conditions where they come from and things.
Robbie Frawley:Yeah. Okay. And so then what happens? What happens next?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, we had about 12 likes out with us. We've been shooting for a few days, just on and off, we had relatives come up and Annie. Anyway, this morning, we were over at neighbor's place. And we'll one thing it was a second crop we were shooting for the date. And we'll just get in the line. And then you just walk through the rice crop so he walked in through to full plant and probably a foot of mud. So it's pretty hard going in, and you're gonna be at a foot of water as well. So gumboots or the easiest way is actually snake is using an old snake is you don't care about and just buddy smash through it. Anyway, there was a bird came up and I am fired out of mist. And then I went to fire again and just felt like I'd been kicked in the head. So I dropped my gun in the water and it felt a bit dazed and a call a few of the blacks over to help me get out. I wasn't he didn't just didn't feel right. Yeah. Anyway, just one of those split second things that you thought they they get to the Gulf. Anyway, I, I got out and I said to the blacks, I was going home, I wasn't feeling real well, and hey, I just went home tried to have a bit of a rest. So straightaway, yeah, I'd hang around and I'd watch them for a while and then there but it wasn't wasn't feeling good. Just sort of go home and rest up was sort of busy time of the year for us. I was trying to fence and any was sort of getting winter cropping ready at that stage to work in up Pat axle spraying and yeah. Anyway, I, I tried. I went to the doctor over in Swan Hill, just to a GP and, and they tried to tell me there was sort of nothing wrong, and they thought it was a nasal infection, all these other things. And
Robbie Frawley:yeah, what symptoms did you have at this point?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:I just just wasn't feeling well, or it's hard to put my finger on it. I just felt not sharpened. And not well, it just felt off. Yeah. And so I actually went back to them better five times in 10 days, because I still wasn't well. And
Robbie Frawley:and that's I don't imagine being a young man from rural Australia. That was a common experience for Uganda the doctor five times in 10 days, either.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Ideally, something's going to be falling out. When you decide to go and
Robbie Frawley:then to be going there and getting told there's nothing wrong with you. Yeah, imagine how frustrating and also sort of bewildering that would have been.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, no, it was like there's probably some cultural differences with the doctor, trying to get him to understand Lenny, having tried to say it's a nasal infection and all this crap. That was frustrating, because like, No, I met a gun explode by my head. I think there's something going on. And yeah, and then I gradually just got worse and worse. So on. I'd start trying to work. Cuz he's still trying to do that half hour
Robbie Frawley:after the, like the actual hour now.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, probably like three weeks. Yeah, I'm still trying to do a bit. And, you know, I'm old man on the farm and also had my uncle and stuff. And so there's this whole hierarchy. Yeah, busy time of year. And you're still a young bloke on the farm. So you're still expected to carry away? Yeah, that's wrong. And so you've got all these other external pressures. And so trying to push on and blokey environment. And so you just got to suck it up and keep going. And then, every time I tried to do stuff, I would just get these throbbing headaches that I couldn't control. And if I kept pushing, I just started vomiting. So just convulsing, I'll end up collapsing on the ground. Just flexfuel my guts
Robbie Frawley:up. What did you What did you, your father and your uncle think we're now saying this?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:My uncle? Yeah, it wasn't too bad. The dad was worried about me, but it's sort of hard when it's undiagnosed. Yeah. Most people want an answer of what it is. Yeah. So they can label you or say, yeah, he's got a broken here. No, but what he's like He had to get expired. He's not real. Well, that sounds a bit a grey grey area. And then yeah, so it turned out the muscles in my ears and stop regulating noise too. So I was hearing everything full noise, like just flat out. And so I'd get around and we'd look earplugs in remaps because everyone was just super loud. And yeah, we had little kids at the moment. And it got to a stage where I just basically lived in a dark room or in our bedroom, it was sort of in one side of the house. So it was sort of a quieter space for me. And leaving the area had a lot of tiles around the kitchen and stuff and a noise. Yeah, a lot of noise, a lot of ambient noise and became really susceptible to entropy noise or just that. We all think, like, I just barely get panner eyes, okay, the more they are just supposed to get blacker and blacker and just, I just buddy fall in a hate. Anyway, this went on for a few weeks. And then I couldn't even watch telly or anything look at it to watch telly and I couldn't read. It sort of just spent on hanging around, which is pretty hard. Like it's an uncomfortable thing when you're used to working and you sort of get so much spent so much of your identity is tied up in what you do and who you are. And
Robbie Frawley:especially Oh, I was gonna say when it's a physical job, but I mean, policy, any symptoms? Pretty much everything was almost off the table.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yeah, yep. And it got to a stage where I was that crop during the day, my wife wasn't willing to leave me at home. And so she was bringing me in the bedroom while she get to work and and then the mother in law and supervise me. And I just sit there and I just always been cold sweats and just feel really shit and have an ear. So we we tried some a different doctor over incurring so that's a bit further for us from all mean that sort of 100 goes away and yeah, and he was he'd seen me when I was a teenager. So he sort of knew me a little bit. Yes. And then they checked me out was a little bit concerned. He's like, keep an eye out for this, this, this and this. And anyway, I was about three nights later that one of them came true, which is one of the symptoms he described. Yeah, one of the symptoms he described. So lying in bed, and I just felt this discharge of fluid in the back of my throat. And anyway, it was just this salty shit. Yeah, it's weird. Anyway, turns out it was cerebrospinal fluid. So they they think between the nasal passage and your brain is like a little skin flap. And then they think the pressure wave of the explosion sort of punched a hole through that. And so I decided to like Brian fluid down my throat
Robbie Frawley:to cerebrospinal fluids of fluid that sits around your brain. Yeah, head, cushion it and also goes all the way down your spinal. Yeah, spine. Yeah, I guess that's pretty, pretty important stuff.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. That's what I get super worried about with infections and stuff getting into that because it can roll you're pretty quick.
Robbie Frawley:Yeah. And that's your feeling that leaking down your throat?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yep. I just felt this lock discharge during the night. And, and I don't know, for whatever reason of the day, just dump a bit, and then stop for the day. And then during the night, we go again. And so they said, to get into Bendigo to emergency and so went down there didn't make it past really the waiting room because they are the same thing communication again, they didn't really see it as severe or whatever, because it was nothing falling off. And I explained them the background and you know, you're waiting around for six hours and then they go, Well, we don't really have anyone on call who could probably look at you anyway. And so he basically sent me home again. So I ended up in driving, driving back home like
Robbie Frawley:San Diego's what another two hours? Yeah, for where we
Lloyd Polkinghorne:were at time. It's three hours. Yeah. Yeah. And so anyway, he ended up we just had because Lauren's trying to work and got kids and all the rest of it and the loss, pretty hectic. And then so I went back to kurang and said to the doctor, this is what's going on, and he put me in hospital straightaway. So put me on IV antibiotics are pretty crap all that time. wasn't in a real good way. And then it was probably in hospital for three or four
Robbie Frawley:weeks. And then where was that in cranking? kurang Yeah,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:I kept trying to get me into Melbourne so I could check me out. But I didn't have any beds available. And really, it wasn't a high priority. So just had to wear hang around.
Robbie Frawley:And so what happened at that point?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Well that point they'd sort of, yeah, they'd worked out roughly what was going on with you. They wanted to get me down to Melbourne just so they could. But then there's some thought that was just waiting sort of for the flap to heal up between. Yeah, so that's basically lying flat, so you don't get any pressure. More pressure in your head from the fluid. Yeah. And so nothing intensive and basically, bed rest would discourage you to get up to go the toilet and all that sort of stuff. They just basically wanted you flat.
Robbie Frawley:Was that comforting at that point to at least have feel like you're you had a doctor who was on the right track? Or did you still feel pretty lost?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, look, I was thankful at that stage. Yeah. The doctor I had was listening and was getting some treatment. Yep, I thought that'd be cool. Yeah, we'll get back here get rolling again.
Robbie Frawley:Couple of weeks, that I'd be good in fortnight for that.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Weird, I was covered up and I missed my daughter's first day of school and all this sort of stuff. You know, it's, yeah. Anyway, that's, and then I got home, and I still couldn't do anything. I was still on.
Robbie Frawley:Okay. So they'd sort of said, Okay, stay here, or here for x period of time a week or something? And then hopefully, it'll heal up and then you can go back to life.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. So I had to go home and I had to still rest up for a while. I don't, I'll still essentially, unlike God, but I still couldn't physically do anything. So I still was overwhelmed by light still couldn't watch dailies and read. Yep, sand was still pissing me off. And and then there was, yes, I spit swing in a dark room. And if I would draw, do anything lucky, I'd try and go out to the shade and just do a little job. And I did not basically the nominees just completely eroded, drenched in sweat just yet drenched in sweat. Yeah, yep. So my couple of things happen. So my heart, my brain start regulating my heartbeat. So the time of accident, my resting heart rate was like 64, or something, you know, I was running four or five gallons a day. And then after my accident, my resting heart rate was 110. So it was just flat out. And my sympathetic nervous system had just gone through the roof. It was fight or flight, and I was I was just way and up to the max. Everything was just an overstimulation. Yep, just couldn't go.
Robbie Frawley:How are you coping kind of mentally with that, like because it by this point? What are you like a month and a half? Yeah, of something that you're kind of thinking, I'll probably just, you know, see the doctor and then it'd be fixed. And I'll do this and then it'll be fixed or you'll start to see some improvement. And at this point, as you say, you're still in the dark, you're still being completely over sensitised by things. You'd go into the shed, which you'd go to every day and and you're on your hands and knees cold sweat, like what was that stone to have an impact or not?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:At that stage? I probably wasn't like I was frustrated that we had was too sweaty in on the door and roll man to give me shit about because I do contracting as well. And so he was he was always gonna prioritise outcrops was like, Oh, we all we did was contacted neighbours, so work pretty well. And nothing was always ready all at once. So we worked in well, but he'd always freak out. Because he, he drove and so when you're trying to harvest and, and the my brother moved back from Queensland to drive the head for that harvest, which it was good. So for me at that stage, it was frustrating, but I didn't. I wasn't overly concerned. No, no, not at that stage. It was just, you know, we'll heal up and would, and we'd go and then 12 months previous, we'd done succession planning, so it actually bought out my uncle and gone into partnership say
Robbie Frawley:you're you're under financial pressure.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yep, that's right. You put your head in the noose of debt and money and make things happen for Yeah. Anyway, we continued on like that for a while. And then it just nothing would get better. That was probably the challenging. Yeah. Yeah. The challenging aspect of it
Robbie Frawley:sort of Fast Forward then to like, at what point did you feel as though you you started getting better or you found a reason or what was this August? The turning point for your recovery
Lloyd Polkinghorne:mourn was super ongoing that I would have been using before I ever saw any light.
Robbie Frawley:I have this memory No, like, Please corrected that I read or heard something about you describing your symptoms, and somebody contacting you and saying I have these same symptoms and I have x condition is that
Lloyd Polkinghorne:yeah. So I had an interview on landline regarding the the garden the accident and stuff. And yeah, I had a blog call me up from down Mornington and had been
Robbie Frawley:kicked the ones in Punisher down in Victoria. Yeah, yep. Yep.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:So he been a jockey and a horse trainer. Yeah, me being kicked in the head by a horse sort of had significant damage to his head. And then anyway, he had Yeah, he'd seen me on the telly and he's like a harsh way you've got what i've what I had and what I went through. For him, he's pituitary was damaged and pituitary, immature tree sits on a bound shelf at the base of your brain. And that regulates your hormones. So that triggers all your testosterone, your growth hormone, all these sorts of things. Yeah. You know, this was three, three years in, okay, after my accident. So I brought on 50 kilos in the first 12 months. So my unbeknownst to me, my thyroid just completely stopped working. And, yeah, and then this blog saw me on telly and he is like recognition, go and get away hormones and stuff, check them. In the meantime, I I hadn't been sitting around. Just waiting. For doctors who will be at a doctor's I got been going to specialists and being going to neurologists and all these sorts of things, seeing all the people saying other people go to isometric stress. I had severe the anxiety and depression, I ended up with night terrors. Every night I get to sleep, and I, you know, I'd either see the kids getting murdered or trying to save them, you know, just the most horrendous shit. We got so bad that I said to my wife, I'm bit worried sleeping in the same bed easier, because I don't know what I'm gonna do when I wake up. And that was super hard. Like it was. I'd never known fear until until it periods. You know what your mind can conjure up money for exits? You know? Yeah, so by that stage, by the time this bloke had got in contact on, you know, I'd had to sell my part in the farming business. So we were at a higher debt level, and I was unable to use, yeah, to help guide the farm business. And it had to be random a certain capacity or certainly intensity to actually meet the obligations that I'd put in place. And I know I said to the old man that if anything ever went, went bad that that I would honour the debts that I'd taken on? Yeah, because I was one of four. And, you know, for me, it was a bit being fair and reasonable. And that's sort of how I was raised. It it said, Whatever happens if something happens, so I'll say up and clean the debts and that sort of thing. And that was hard for Dad, because dad's vision was to always pass the farm on to the next generation. And that was what he'd always work to. wasn't about accruing, you know, retirement for himself. But there's
Robbie Frawley:a bit of a culture in farming. Yeah. farming life about buying farms. You don't ever really want to sell a farm.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And so I bought my uncle's farm and I bought one of my uncle's farms and bought.
Robbie Frawley:Okay, so they're even family farms to just to Yeah,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:and so it was this. Yeah. So I had to actually sell something that they'd acquired, you know, 5050 years previous. And that was would not have been now. It wasn't it was. It was quite challenging. And, and dad couldn't really understand the injury. Yes. He's like, I know you'll be right. You just gotta keep an eye doctors and that saying, Well, you stay on the farm, you're never going to get better. You need to go to a low stress environment. At that stage. They'd worked out that the grey matter in the frontal lobe had been shown off and shown off. Yeah, so it happens in car accident victims. other things as well as the rate of acceleration of your brain in the fluid. And then that is something,
Robbie Frawley:this is just from the shockwave of the GaNS. So there's no pellets. Now ended up we had no blood impact, you
Lloyd Polkinghorne:ended up with a bit of brass from like the base of the shell in beforehand, but there was nothing super, like nothing went through know that. So it's like a bit like a traumatic brain injury that you may see from returning vets yes been exposed. Where from my understanding in the pressure wave has the amazing ability to move things and do things. Because the bolt on the gun actually allowed the shot to basically hear the pressure wave to come out at the breech instead of it in the barrel. So yeah,
Robbie Frawley:no idea.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Now not ideal, but still very cool. So that was see so many other cool Baggins get rolled with simple things. And I've had a few serious accidents and I'm still going to. But yeah, so we got to the stage where I'm trying to navigate, I was suffering, I was almost in mourning, losing the farm or having to move off the farm. The being raised on that land and thinking you were always going to take onto it and and then the the groundbreaking father's you know, all sorts of stuff his his father had just been moved into. So my grandfather just been moved into care, he ended up dementia and all these sorts of things, which was also difficult at that time. Grandpa always sort of wanted to die with his boots on and he enjoys working with the dogs and riding. And then he sort of got to a stage where he couldn't do any of that. And so we had a whole range of upheavals. And the I was struggling with the PTSD and depression and, and all these things. And then I had this fella ring, and he's like, Are you better go get your hormones check. That's right. So the duck the GPL, saying at the time was quite open to me suggesting things because we'd come so far, and it's all you'd rates, these little plateaus, you'd get a little hint of something. If they got this is it this is getting to be what, what improves me and you would you get some improvement, and then you'd sort of hit this plateau. And you're like, is this as good as it's always gonna get? Because I had all these doctors and things. It was the most frustrating, especially when you know within yourself that you that you're like working and that you're not a hypochondriac. And, you know, you have these blacks, you sit there and just look at your luck guy, right? He can't work and all this ownership.
Robbie Frawley:And so insinuating that you just
Lloyd Polkinghorne:yeah, just not having to go and look, because I couldn't find anything physically wrong with it. And so for them, it was in your mind or Yeah, so I'm very, I have very strong feelings regarding the medical establishment in the any water medical. Yeah, where we've come to in this country, as far as medical care, we do some really, some things really good luck. If you've got a broken bone or you've been in a car accident, they're awesome at it. They're amazing. But they're these other more complex, things that are a little bit harder or a little bit. There's lots of things where they sort of just throw pills at your or it don't take the time to even understand where you're coming from. to go to a specialist, we'd get into Melbourne, say draw in four hours of stay overnight, you go into Blake's office and in spend 20 minutes with urine charging 600 bucks. And so Eli does nothing wrong with it. And that you know when you're already depressed when you already got all this other shit and you're starting to question yourself,
Robbie Frawley:yes, pretty big.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, cuz you go, what do we get? What's wrong with me? Why can I get going these blacks
Robbie Frawley:to do professional and nicer to say there's nothing holy? Yeah, yep. And they tell you what you might you've got some incredible self belief.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Well, yeah, I've been through a bit when I broke my back knee. So for me it was, well, you're the only person who actually knows you. And we get all these other external influences, but at the end of the day, you're the one going through it and you're probably the best judge. You do have to believe in yourself because there's Lots of things get thrown at you, which makes you question. Yeah. But anyway, so this flag rang up and said, Go get your hormones checked. We got into an endocrinologist in Bendigo that out, he we go. We got something went down to him with that old test. Anyway, so he found out I had no testosterone, I had no growth hormone and all these things. But then so I thought, This is great. He's found something we're gonna we're gonna start rocking on. And then he said are we could we could give you testosterone, but I actually think all these are low because you're depressed. And our other brain injury I had that sort of started all this has nothing to it, guys. Man. I think you're overweight and you're depressed. And I think I think that's why these things are happening. So I
Robbie Frawley:wouldn't say go and join a social club. Basically.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:I still couldn't do it. Like I was, I was this was it three, three or four years in and I still couldn't do anything else. Yeah, well, I have a white life was just shit. I had the I couldn't couldn't do the Fabio award. I couldn't even go and build the shed like it was just just allow us to live and
Robbie Frawley:Casca is to question so that was because it sounds like you had good support from your GP. Yeah. And there was the Endo. chronologist they just say they could tell you that you had no testosterone with a the only person who could prescribe you testosterone. Yeah. So And sorry, the other drugs you sort of needed in, you know, natural drugs.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, that's right. So yeah, they were, they were sort of the be all in there. chronologist are the be all and the end of for your hormones, and all these regulatory things. Because you got to be careful with those. They get abused. In some like bodybuilding and performance, and you're gonna have all these other side effects that go along with it. So thick blood and all these sorts of things, risks of heart attacks, and I guess so they
Robbie Frawley:don't sort of hand them out willy nilly
Lloyd Polkinghorne:know that they're tightly regulated. And most of them even aren't even on the PBS anymore because they were getting over, over consumed. Yep. So anyway, regularly black in Melbourne and said, You wouldn't believe it. I had these tests done. There are some problems. And yeah, and then he referred me down to a clinic, he was in Melbourne, okay. And they went and did more tests, they actually went and did a, a wider range of, of hormones and things. So it was like pages and pages that the write up of all the things. So I had the night, I had the testosterone of a 91 year old. So like you gently hit testosterone peak 30s, early 30s. And then you lose 1% a year, every year after that,
Robbie Frawley:by 91. You've lost a failure. Yeah. So my
Lloyd Polkinghorne:testosterone should have been like 22. And it was to say, like it was, you know, basically not functioning. And I had no growth hormone. And I had about six or eight sort of key fundamentals of of it that I was missing. And cortisol and all these other things regulate sleep patterns. Yeah, yeah, just a range of things.
Robbie Frawley:So are they able to then assist or
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yep. So we started on. We started on some training. Now I was, I was pretty reluctant treatment at this stage. 12 months into my thing, all antibiotics and stuff they've given me from a brain injury and infections have actually damaged on my stomach and mean test on. I ended up with gastritis and some other owners of lower intestines. And so yeah, all the meds are given. I've actually ended up with and fix the problem. But you tried it others? Yeah, you'd have the side effects. And although the thing I read one blog last year, and he said there's no such thing as a side effects, they're all actually effects of the drugs. It's just a term they used to live it is true, like they are a direct effect of the drug. So yeah, so there's these unintended effects of the drugs or side effects as they are known effects. Yeah, yeah. Yep. And so I was very, very sceptical. Yeah, it is hard. Nagi was bloody hard two times to keep going. Because it life is just at that stage. So shit. The key was Amelia worse than the buddy.
Robbie Frawley:And I mean, you're also the whole time, which the thing that blows my mind is the whole time you've had wife and kids. Yeah, we've talked a little bit about the farm as well. But like, yeah, you know, having to do that in, in a family environment. And yeah,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:yeah. Having little kids, like, they don't understand. They just, they want to teach and, and they want to be around and all the normal, you know, beautiful things that you have that go along with kids. And that does put stress on everyone around you. Because, yeah, you know, they're gonna pick up the slack and, and my wife is this. You know, she'll do things to her own detriment for other people's. And so she's always puts her head down and, and keeps going. And so yeah, you have, it's not only you, we but as this broader effect. Yeah. On people around you. Yeah. And so then we, then we found these guys and got all the test. And we started on that. And then, yeah, that did really show me what was possible. Like, it had been at a plateau again, with the current treatments and then that ramp things up, and I was able to dispose I got up to about 60.
Robbie Frawley:Okay, so you started taking all these different hormones? Yeah, he ups and how quickly was the effects for
Lloyd Polkinghorne:probably a month or six weeks in? The Fall fine tuning? Yeah. It takes a while to balance those things out. Because everything you add has a direct effect on something else. So give me too much testosterone, you actually end up producing progesterone. Sorry. It's the female oestrogen, oestrogen yet too much testosterone, anybody will balance it? Yeah, starts producing oestrogen. into really moody, you know, like, all these other things that we laugh about, that I wouldn't have gotten became a bit more intolerable for a while. So
Robbie Frawley:can I? Can I ask a question just because there could well be people who listen to this who are in a similar situation and might also be having trouble finding appropriate medical care? You know? Yeah. Is that a clinic that you would recommend? If it is, then I can include sort of details of it in the show notes?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:I probably can't. I got in trouble over the
Robbie Frawley:right. You have any others? I mean, is it something that you can find? Or is it quite Do you have any tips for people on how they would if they think this might be something?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, so I think the tip is to get get their hormones levels checked and all the rest of it and just to make sure that all those all those baselines are right. I? Unfortunately, I can't. Because there's some things. Yeah, it's a grey area. And there is a real reluctance. In the medical profession to look at things that are a little bit out
Robbie Frawley:on the edge. Yeah. You're seeing improvements, but it also came with other effects. Yeah, yep. Like some extra moodiness. Yeah. associated with your body producing extra oestrogen. Yep. And how long were you sort of on that programme? And did that continue to improve? Or is it the same thing? You sort of improved into a plateau?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. So it continued to improve. And then I plateaued, like, I'm still on daily hormone replacement stuff. So that's going to be an ongoing. So for me that got some of the fundamentals of body chemistry back in line. Yeah, I felt more alive than I could, you know, sleeping holy sorts of things.
Robbie Frawley:So that, which has all sorts of positive effects.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, that's right. Yep. And then eventually worked out that I'd developed sleep apnea as well, from the brain injury and weight gain and stuff. And so yeah, so we got the whole range, right. And then there's still all these other things, other things that I had to start exploring and trading here. So I had improved, I was able to do bits and pieces, but it still had a lot of trouble with my brain, trying to remember things and and getting headaches and I was getting Botox injections for migraines. So they do 3036 injections across my head and down my neck. There in Melbourne, was part of a headache clinic that a professor was running at and they were so Botox was developed like as, as a weapon of war as chemical warfare, so it was atomized. So Botox, paralyses muscles, and so atomized when you breathe it interrupted because your lungs stopped working. So that was what was developed for by the US military. And then when they brought in the international agreements that they'd stop using chemical weapons, they went, Oh, what are we going to do with this? And we shouldn't make some money from it. Yeah. And then the beauty industry and so the beauty industry started using it to paralyse muscles. So stop all your wrinkles, and you know, all this sort of stuff. And then the medical side of it got into it, and they're like, well, for muscles and people have sore muscles and their pain receptors and this, maybe we can paralyse them. So yeah, so I did that for you know, a few years. And that would, that would improve my quality of life, like it would significantly reduce my headache. Migraines. Migraines. Yep. So it basically paralyses the pain centres and muscles in your, in your head in your scalp. So often,
Robbie Frawley:we're getting those about three months, and was that locally? Or you have to get them out? Yeah, Melbourne, so yep. And ins that would just stop migraines or just reducing, yeah,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:that stop the migraines and reduce the headaches wouldn't completely remove, but in order to take the peaks out of it. He's doing that? Nah, nope. So I've gotten to a stage there, we're also able to drop that too. And, you know, I didn't really want bioethics injected in my head old dogs. Funny, painful, actually, they feel like paper was things and yeah, so you know, not the most pleasant ever needles stabbed in your scalp, and steamed stings when a buddy injects into anyway, so I was able to get away from that. And, and then it was a case of identifying things I still needed to improve in my life. Now, I was raised in a fairly conservative Christian family in rural Australia. So, you know, there's quite a lot of social programming and things he go into that. And so I, I look more broadly. But I started to question I suppose the meaning of life for me and why I'm here. And yeah, my, my healing journey turned into a bit of spiritual growth as well, I suppose. And looking into yoga and all these other sorts of things, and wellness and meditation. And so I've tried a whole whole range of things, which, you know, as a red blooded Australian male who grows up shooting things, and doing burnouts and stuff. Yeah, it's, it's, it's really quite bizarre, you know, to go and say that I do yoga, and
Robbie Frawley:that has been obviously very beneficial.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:It's amazing. This, and don't get me wrong, like, there is new agey stuff that I just gave. It's not for me, it's got to resonate with you. Yeah, but I take a little bit, I take the bits of work for me out of anything. Yep. Whether it be you know, Buddhism, or whether it be buddy Christianity, or whether it be
Robbie Frawley:what was the first one? What is it? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, I sort of just grabbed the little bits that work. For me, everyone's journey is completely unique. We all raised in totally individual situations, or, you know, everyone has different programming different things I experienced as kids and, and where you are, and what you require, at a certain point in time varies depending on your journey. So I may have one thing that worked for me, you know, e two and B three have grown past that. And it doesn't, I don't require it or, or it has no further benefits. I'm very reluctant to say to people that this works, and this will fix you because you know yourself when you see and people go, Ah, now you need to go do this. And you just go back and
Robbie Frawley:close the door.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:And it's always like, sort of ignoring who you are what you've been through it, it's you know, it's not you'll be right, just do this. And it's not like it's super complex. So, you know, we are so individual and our requirements are individually even to people with the same injury like, yeah, you'll have different mental processes, where you'll have different self worth and all these sorts of things and they all play in a huge role on your recovery and even your support network around
Robbie Frawley:So just to connect the dots to where we're sitting now, you're currently the owner and editor of the I'll get you to say the name of the paper.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, the the corn, corn rock and burn bridge newspaper. So when I sold the farm and moved into town, and I was feeling a bit lost, because I had, you know, super involved in industry groups and community groups and all these sorts of things. And the,
Robbie Frawley:and that was all tied to your sort of profile as a farmer.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yep. And yeah, who you see yourself as
Robbie Frawley:Yeah. And when you'd sold the farm did that. Did that sort of see that part of your life at that time? Or were you still involved through your father and through your family?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. And it saved my involvement in it. But yeah, there's a lot of apps and tie ups. Yeah, with getting getting rid of that and moving on. But then we ended up in TN, and I was sort of still looking for an outlet. And the local paper came up for sale. So the bridge was started in 1909. So it's, you know, been going for a long time and, and in, in recent years, like, last 15 years, our communities have been having these huge upheavals, with government policy, predominantly water, water policy changes, as well as the other things that go with rural Australia, like the population and, and you know, just the, the changes of time. Say the paper came up for sale. And I was like, Yeah, well, that's, that's a good fit. And I wasn't well enough at the time to actually work in the paper. But we just decided that we'd buy it. And so I had an editor in the role, who I actually went to school with, and then she decided she want to get on have kids. So she moved on maternity leave. And then I managed to get my sister to come down from Sydney. Yeah, to run the paper. She was off. Yeah. Grew up on the farm as well. So good community minded, and Annie has super good skills. And then eventually, I got well enough, Julie, I wanted to go back and sort of carry on with her life. And, and I decided on, I'd take on the role. So we'd been through the Millennium drought here. And that had been quite challenging, and a lot of years of sort of no production, and that already impacted people. And then the E government impacts also puts you in almost a constant drought. Because they've opened the floodgates to water trading. And we now have, like, well got farmers here who went and bought water and they bought it off the the New York Police Department superannuation fund. Yeah. So we have multinational companies just trading in water end to make profit, competing against people who were just trying to feed their stock or finish their crops, get their kids into school. So for me, the paper was like, Oh, well, that's a good fit for me. And I don't have a journalism background. I wasn't even a big reader of newspapers, to be honest. But yeah, I'm happy to call a spade a spade. Right?
Robbie Frawley:I will looking back now like, I mean, it's been eight, about eight years at this point. Yep. Obviously full of trials and tribulations along the way, and, you know, little learnings and plateaus and bigger learnings and plateaus and different challenges. What would you say and cognizant of the fact that you said before, you know, everyone's different, like, and this certainly isn't about saying to people, you should do XYZ, because I know, that doesn't work. I guess what it is about is sharing what's been beneficial or most beneficial, invaluable to you, in your journey and allowing people to hear that and hear your story. Yep. And if something does resonate with them, yep. You know, they can, they can grab it and run with it and try it. Or if it doesn't, they can, you know, leave it. So with that in mind, what would you say were the most crucial and beneficial sort of elements of your recovery? Yeah, so
Lloyd Polkinghorne:I think goals is a is an important one for me. And they got to be realistic goals. So when you're bedridden or whatever, and you're trying to you know, there's I recently did a 300k walk in and you know, when the when the going gets tough you know, when it's really bad you just look from one flat reflected to the next Yeah, like, you know, you bring in bring in ago Yeah, that's right. And it and it's really just about bite sized pieces, you know, there's that say, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at all. You really just got to break it down. Because if you're trying to say I want to get back to how it was before or whatever, for me, that is just super daunting. And you just thought, well, the differences are so great. And so what sort of little ways beat you around the head? You're like, Oh, you're not there. You're not there. But when you for me if you can actually go, well, what's the next little thing I want to achieve? Or what's the next part? You know, for me, it's a journey. Like I won't say, probably won't ever say now that I'm fixed, because who I am now is totally different. Yeah, that's right. And my values have totally changed. But for me, if I was bedridden, well, the next goal would be, how do I get out of bed?
Robbie Frawley:Can you share a couple of goals that you can remember that were really clear for you?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yep. For me, my kids were like a key part of it. So there were times where it's super dark, and I didn't want to be here. But for me, my goal was that, hey, had to I instil in them, you know, the courage and the power to continue on? If I'm checking out? Yeah, and certainly, that's challenging. And also, you know, they, they, for me, were a super important goal, because I wanted to be there for them. And I, you know, I value my role as a teacher and I suppose, as a protector of them. So for me, that was a super clear and important one. And so what was that goal? was to be for there for them, and, and to show them that, you know, anything was possible, and that they could, you know, despite the challenges rise above whatever they're going through, it's one hell of a motivator. Yeah, it is, you sort of you find the things that that matter to you. It's, it's a bit like self interest, like you, you find the things that resonate with you. They're the bits that give you the spark, and they're the bits, you know, whether it be you want a new car or whatever, when people find their self interest, nobody do anything to sort of get to it. Yeah. And so for me, it was about being there for the kids and being a role model for them. And then it got to a stage well, you know, I had other simple ones, I want to get back to a more healthy weight. So I'd put on 50 kilos, yeah. And so I could have went, Ah, I want to get back to you know, 84 kilos. And that would have been impossible, that would have been, and I was just like, in 12 months, I want to have lost some weight. And so for me, that was just the simple bit, I wasn't gonna go and do anything stupid. I still had severe physical limitations, I was like, I will just take a long term view, because it's taken me a long time to get as crooked as I am. It's gonna take time to get any. So for me, it was right. I'm going to lose some weight the next well, just chip away. Yeah, so I was for me goal setting was, was super important. And I have to also be, yeah, they really do have to be manageable, and they have to be achievable. And that will vary depending on on where you are and what you going through. But yeah, family, for me played a big role. And also, you know, who I am and where I fit into the community, like, what can I add to the world? is also another one.
Robbie Frawley:As in that's a question you would sort of ask yourself, yeah, yep. Because it was that challenging, though, I guess work, particularly when you're really limited. Your capacity to have any impact on the community would have been really? Yeah. as well. Like, how did you? Yeah, with that, in your mind, given you it clearly, so community minded?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yep. No, and there was stages where that wasn't even effective. Like I was, it was just about survival. And that's where it went to the core ones of like, the kids or whatever. But then as I started to get a little glimmer of, it was like, Well, you know, I've seen some pretty shit things. And I think people are icebergs in a 90% below the water 10% above. So what you see and what people project is only just a little snippet, and people get so wound up with, you know, I don't like that person, because I did this. Okay, well, what's the backstory? What's all the crap the guy because people would see me as obese and, you know, unable to talk to them, and just, you know, and they totally write me off. Yeah, I wouldn't know the first thing about me and what I've been through and it's just like, and that is, you know, that's something you either learn from or you become really bitter about. And for me, it was just going, Oh, well, they don't understand and that's, you know, it's not that they're a bad person. It's just, they have different values and Everyone's so busy and wrapped up in their own
Robbie Frawley:You never know what someone's going through until normally after. Yeah,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:yeah, that's right. And then you feel like a dick because you actually judge them on on stuff that I know nothing. Yeah. Yeah. So I think for me, it's, it's baby steps. And it is.
Robbie Frawley:And then, like the whole mind stuff that sounds like it was really significant.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. Yep, the whole mind stuff was significant. Without those fundamentals of what drives your body, and what? Yeah. One thing you can't do anything without, as much as I really wanted to, or whatever, until, until I had those restored, I wasn't gonna get any better.
Robbie Frawley:And then you talked about, I guess, trusting your own instinct on.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, so trusting your instinct is super important. But that also, you know, you have to get to a point within yourself. But suppose that you believe yourself, and you've quieted your mind down enough. Because, you know, there's two aspects of us, which is, you know, a monkey mind or however you want to term it is all your thoughts and doubts that run around and try to feel you, you don't want to listen to that aspect of it, but, but it's your heart, you know, it's the things that you fundamentally feel, and you just go, you know, it's like, when you meet someone, and you have that instinct, the feeling that they're a good person or a bad that doesn't come from your mind that, that comes from just something fundamental that we feel and we know, bit like intuition.
Robbie Frawley:What is the best or most worthwhile investments you've made during your recovery? So it could be an investment of time, energy, effort, money, etc?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yep. So a lot of time for me on on self development. Yep. So you know, that his time alone, reflecting on what matters to me, and also investing the time in to quiet my mind and to actually slow things down. Because with my injury log, the sympathetic nervous system was running flat out, and everything was just in overdrive. And that just stimulates your brain even more. And you just kidding. This, you know, you worry about things. And
Robbie Frawley:yeah, was that through yoga, through meditation? Like, what was the mechanism?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, so it was a combination of things that was, you know, people think meditating, just sitting around quietly with your eyes closed, in a certain position, but it can also be walking in the bush, like, you know, it can, it's just gonna be quiet reflective is a range of different things, we will get to a similar state as a meditative state. And so you got to take a broad scope of what that looks like to you and where it fits in any. But I think there's something really fundamentally important in quietening our mind, because society, we just keep getting pushed and stimulated. Yeah, that's right. And the way news is projected to us and all these sorts of things, it's this constant stimulation, and, and when you're trying to recover, you actually need time to recap. You can't keep having all these influences.
Robbie Frawley:But as you're saying, you'd have been having plenty of time to yourself in the first few months, and that wouldn't have been doing any good. So what was it that differentiated that from just being spending time? Yes, worrying versus spending time in reflection and personal development?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, I think it comes to mindset. So like, yeah, the first part was our academy out there, and sort of acknowledging all the things I was missing, or all the things I was unable to do. And then I had a mind shift, I suppose over time that, you know, why am I here? Or what are the opportunities within the position? I mean, you know, what can I do now that I couldn't have done previously? Or, you know, there's plenty of opportunities that I found that wouldn't have been if I hadn't had an accident, and I was still farming. Well, that would have been a different road, but I wouldn't have grown at all as a person. Because I just want to keep doing the things. Oh, yeah. So for me, it was a mindset thing. It was, you know, rather than a while was me, well, what's the next step?
Robbie Frawley:And was there anything that was obvious helped you to take that step? Because if you're it's a really hard transition from that. It is. It's super
Lloyd Polkinghorne:hard and it evolved. I thought, like there wasn't there wasn't a definitive moment a light bulb moment for me that I woke up and when I no longer feel shit about what's next. But I think it was a gradual, like there was times I started tried yoga early on in the base, and I went this shitty Yeah, I don't like this is boring. What is this crap? Yeah, I suppose I had to be ready at a certain level. But you got to keep asking questions. Yeah. You know, we quite often we tell ourselves, you know why we can do something well, but you actually got to stay curious and you got to, and that is hard when you're in a when things are really hard. But it's incremental steps. And I'd my kids get home from school, and you say, Hey, I was school. And the easiest thing is to point out the negatives, they'll give me five negatives about everything that went wrong. errata, what's two positives and they sit there you? I can't do it, because it is so easy to find the stuff that we don't lie. And, you know, you got to rephrase, rephrase the questions to yourself, I think any any, and just trying to change that perspective of how you look at things. And and that's super complicated, because our minds are all different. And so for me, it was, you know, what else is possible? You know, what are the what are the opportunities he? What are the things we can find? Because if you keep doing the same thing, and you're not getting anywhere, will he get the same result?
Robbie Frawley:What book and it could be a movie or a YouTube video or something else would you give to someone who's recovering from a similar similar injuries yourself? And why?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:I don't really know, to be honest, because I've had stuff that resonated with me, I'll share that with other people. And
Robbie Frawley:that's all right. I mean, I guess I was gonna read the other way of phrasing that is what book on movies or video etc, is greatly influenced your own recovery? And I mean, yeah, people, it doesn't mean, you have to go out and watch it, but it's just something that
Lloyd Polkinghorne:there's probably not, as I say, there's not one, one that sort of speaks for me, but, you know, there's a range of different ones that I've read, or I've got little bits out of, yeah. So there's a book called Autobiography of a Yogi and that, that looks at all manner of things. Okay. He grew up in India early on, and just spoke about, you know, talks about how you treat people. And, you know, there's all these different things. And so for me that that added one bit in the more developed, yeah, yep. Yeah, and there's been amazing, you know, videos and documentaries on personal growth and empowerment of people of any of those that you could. Enlightenment was one, it's on YouTube. Anthony chin, I think is the director who did the video.
Robbie Frawley:At this point in the conversation, we needed to change locations, which is why you'll notice the sound quality changes. I'll let you get back to the story now. Do you have any particular mantras or quotes, which you found particularly helpful during your recovery? For me that was you touched on it before? Something's useful at a certain time? Yeah. And then it might not be useful, you know, after a period of time, and that was certainly the case. For me. I felt like I was just trading off. Yep, quotes, you know, I'd hear something and it would resonate. And that would like get me through, you know, it'd be super powerful for a week or two, for instance, but often, they would kind of lose power or lose some sort of impact over time. So I wish I'd written them all down. It's gonna be a long list, anything like that for you?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, the upside the head, eat an elephant is one that always stuck with me is adding an elephant and it's one bite at a time. So it's just about, you know, not looking at the whole whole thing is some great big huge thing. We're just doing a little bit of a time. I don't know. Yeah, I'm probably much the same as you there was. You know, there were were quite some things that did resonate with me, and we kept my grandson here. That's awesome. You know, another one for me was this one, I have a lion. And it's, you know, a lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. You know, it's good. Yeah. Because, you know, there are times where you just think, you know, all these people that are telling you that you're not good enough, or you're not dry enough, or whatever, and you just got to stay true, I think, to your core values and what you think you are, that
Robbie Frawley:you've touched on this a little bit, but I'll ask it in case you have anything to add in the last eight years since the accident. What new belief behaviour or habit is most improved your life?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Oh, it's it's quite an expensive question. So for me, I suppose I've always been fairly community orientated and everything. But I've expanded that out a lot broader now as far as humanity and all the rest of it. So I mentioned before, and that until I had a bit of spiritual growth. And, and no, I truly believe that we're all equal. You know, I think we're, we're souls of equal worth, and yet we have uniquely different values all of us. And that's where I think society sort of, yeah, is challenging where we are as a culture at the moment, because we, we sort of lose the value of each person, and people get too caught up on on each other's values, rather than the core worth or what you're working towards. Because I truly think if, if you want to be, you know, understanding and empathetic towards everyone, you have to consider all points of views, you can't force a minority or whatever. So. So for me learning about who I am, what my values were so losing the farm, and that, because that was, that was my identity, though it was, I'm Lloyd, I'm the farmer and whatever. But when you have all that torn down, you're like, Well, whoever, and what does matter to me? And what are the things that mattered to me, then that still mattered to me now? And what are the things that I can let go? Yeah. So for me, I'm more excited about life like this. I'm much more curious about all aspects of things. And, you know, I like reading up on different cultures or religions or whatever, and, and just seeing how that's evolved over history. Like, we don't, you know, in Australia, we've got such a brief history and, and the way we develop policies and things now are so short sighted, and we're always talking, you know, election cycles, rather, what's, what's better for the next generation or our kids and the grandkids? And, you know, wholly self limiting? Yeah, that's right. Yep. We, it's, you know, they're always stuck in this egocentric, you know, what am I going to get out of it? Or, you know, what's the benefit to me? Or how much money we're gonna make out of it? And that is just doesn't resonate with me at all anymore like that. It's just such a short sighted. Yeah, I think we're all we're all special. And we're all individuals, and we all have limitless potential. We just need the right time. Yeah, and the right situation and the right support. You got to have situations that are conducive to people's growth. And that's when you really get the best out of people in society.
Robbie Frawley:For people that maybe, you know, they're still within the darkness, if you like, is there anything that might help when they're reassessing or wrestling with who they, how they see themselves? Or how they have seen themselves into that? Yeah, and evolved?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, no, look, they really are they get it's super important for people when they get into those situations that when you are in the midst of the darkness, that it's very hard to actually see past that at times. But, you know, change is always possible. And, you know, Winston Churchill said, when you're going through hell just keep going. Because there is so much potential for for things to change. And we may not always consider it always see it as like they're talking about suicide, they say that's a that's a permanent answer to a temporary situation. Yeah, yeah. Because sometimes you do feel shit. And sometimes you don't want to go on. But that's not always the case. Like it only takes you've only got to have the right interaction with one people, you know, when I was at my worst, you know, he feeling shit about yourself and you feeling shit about everything you go out, and then someone and sort of make a judgement of how you look or whatever at the time and that just just destroy your day. But on the flip side, it only takes one interaction with a decent person, and then you get that spark back and you're like, not all is lost. And so yeah, and I it is hard sometimes to find those because you can go for weeks where you're just in the fog and you're just in the shit. But they I think people I'd like people just to remind themselves that there is the possibility for change and it's not permanent. And all that What's hot dogs won't the scan. You know, as I say we're talking you have night terrors and that there is real shit that I never thought I'd get through in one bite at a time, one foot in front of the other, you just got to keep chipping away.
Robbie Frawley:And that's probably something just to remember early on someone saying to me as really early, yep. This too shall pass. Yep. But I actually kind of resented it. Because I was like, Well, I don't know if this will pass. And that's, that's, I mean, that's a major fear, probably for all of these situations is the uncertainty of whether you will recover. Yeah. And so yeah, I just want to highlight that when you're saying this is temporary, or this is this will change. I think that's from, from having been in those positions where you don't think you really questioned if ever will change. Absolutely. And then over a longer time span. Realising that they do.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, and, and how you perceive success probably will evolve. Because if I defined myself as, you know, being fixed, as well as me farming and doing life I was before well, I'll never change. Yeah. And so that evolves. Because what, what you, we only know what you know. And so when you're in the situation, and and you've lost so much, and you're just struggling to find out who you are? Well, that is that is depressing, because that's only what you know, but what you fail, what people may fail to grasp, and what I failed to grasp is, you know, what I thought I was was like, 2%, of what my potential was? Is there any other things that I wouldn't have found if I hadn't gone through what I'd been through? And don't worry, like, there was times that I thought the same thing, and they will give you this crap? Like begging me, you don't even know what I'm going through? Stop this key here. I feel
Robbie Frawley:Did you hear any bad recommendations? Or what bad recommendations? Have you heard throughout your recovery?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, so when you're trying new and different things, for me, they've got a, there's some fundamentals that they have to make. So and that's around my values, and, and also some of the processes. You know, they say that a good guru will will give you all the answers, essentially, for nothing. But then there's the ones who always want you to pay that bit more before they'll give you the next answer and all the rest of it. And there's just as many good there's just as many charlatans, and so, for me, you've got to look at the holistic, you know, what are you getting out of it?
Robbie Frawley:The your mania treatment, or Yeah, a treatment or,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:you know, something you're researching as far as teachings or, you know, qualities that affect your life. So for me, they have to actually resonate with my core values. They still said, they got to be overall loving, and compassionate, and all the rest of it, you gotta have no ill effects on those around me, and all these sorts of things. Because when you get through health and development, you'll come across people who may go down one part of New Age spirituality, they feel projective. And they go on to everyone else around them. And they're like, oh, no, I can't do that. Because this is me now. And, and you know, it sorta, yeah. For me, the things I have things I wanted to experience still have to make my core values, they have to be of benefit to those around me and myself. And they have to have tangible results. And they have to be ethical people, because I think you got to trust your instinct with what you're getting out of people or what you're watching or what you're learning. And there's lots of treatments and modalities with, I just encourage you to come back and talk, you know, I've got your 100 bucks, I'll see you in two weeks again, you know, and that's fine. Like, that person may get you to the next step or whatever. But it is, I think there's a risk that if you get stuck with someone who believes the answer and you've plateaued with them, yes. And they just keep you know, sort of milking you. Yeah. Whereas I like the ones who go is actually nothing more I can do for you. I don't know why you're coming back because because they just give it to you straight. They're like, why would you be
Robbie Frawley:when you feel overwhelmed or unfocused. And this can either be you know, past tense or current tense. What Do you know if it helps? What questions do you ask yourself? Yeah.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:So, for me, I've become better at recognising when on getting wound up, or things are getting unsettled. So one of my indicators, is it, I'll reach my phone more often. I sort of look for a distraction. Yes.
Robbie Frawley:It's all society generally now.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. You're so uncomfortable to sit with your own thoughts. And so when things wind up, you're sort of looking for this stimulation that's like your brain. They call monkey mind monkey mind. Because imagine a monkey in like a gift shop, it picks up something and throws it away, picks up something else. Yeah, it's never satisfied. It's just always searching.
Robbie Frawley:The classic phone these days. Yeah, yeah.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Can you sit there? Yeah. I'm looking at my phone, you don't even realise that you sort of do. And? And yeah, so for me, I know when, when things are getting too much, or, or I'm sympathetic nervous systems getting wound up. Yeah, there's these these indicators for me, which is, you know, looking for shit to buy online or, or searching for stuff on my phone, or are unable just to sit and be still. And so for me, when that happens, I actually have to do a bit of a reset, I have to be strict with my phone. And also, for me, I like spending a lot of time in the bush. So I'll just go and sit on the riverbank and meditate or just listen to the birds and just being present in your surroundings. One of the, the best I suppose easiest meditations I ever heard was a was a monk who he really, he grew up in a monk family. And then he had lots of trouble meditating and stuff. And then he just decided that he'd sit in his room for a few days and just find the noise. Hey, so he just sit there. And you just, you don't search for noise, but you let the noise can be when and when you first. You may last two seconds, you get lots of noise. And then five minutes later, you realise that you're in your brain and your brain is just been running. And then you just see
Robbie Frawley:thinking of things. Yeah, lunch. Oh, that person said this. Yeah,
Lloyd Polkinghorne:that's right. Because you start I got I'm just listening to noise. Two minutes at Hager. We had the noise guy, I'm just running along him own dialogue. And then he says you don't reprimand yourself and you don't scold yourself because that's your mind just trying to do that DSL. And then you just like, I'll find the noise again. And then you sit there and and so then you may 30 seconds and then your mind will go and and then you when you wake up and I'm in my mind ear, find the noise and then you you know, so it's just an evolution and the so for me when I'm when I'm waking up or things getting too much, I've actually just got to take stock and and go and calm things then just draw and get back into a bit more flows.
Robbie Frawley:And when you say find the noise, I'm imagining if we're sitting here now, I can hear a car outside. I can hear someone talking somewhere behind me. I can hear Craig, is that what you mean?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah, yeah. So it's finding that little bits of noise in a broad context. So it's not focusing on one thing. It's like letting the waves of sound wash over you. So you'll hear the you and you'll hear the bird over there. And you'll hear all these things and, and it's like a sort of a 3d, sad experience. You're just sitting there just absorbing.
Robbie Frawley:Rado? Well, it's about time. To wrap up, you've been incredibly generous with your time we've just moved location. Any final thoughts or comments or advice to those who might be listening?
Lloyd Polkinghorne:No, just look, I think people have to be compassionate to themselves. Quite often, the voice in our brain in our mind belittles us. And I say to the kids say you know if you're trying to help someone or get the most out of someone, would you say to them what your brain tells you? Like when your brains scolding yourself or telling you you're not good enough or whatever. You overlay that over the person you're trying to help? And again, would you say that to them? Gently is it's the furthest thing away from how you actually get the most out of someone. And so, in your you and your mind, you're stuck with female life. So if your greatest advocate keeps putting you there, and you need to actually question that, well, I'm here with myself. That's the only constant I'm gonna have in life forever. to come and go for a meal come and go, I can't be kind to myself. What opened myself up. And I think people have to try it themselves with some compassion, not just those around them. Because we all make mistakes, we'll trip sometimes it's one step forward a step backwards. And yeah, just continually ask questions. And if something's not working, there's no harm in moving on to something else. That's it. For me, it's a journey, it's not about a destination, I don't think, for me, there is no destination anymore. Life is just going to continually evolve. You know, eight years ago, I was a farmer, and all in all these roles and whatever. And I thought, you know, I'm going to Utilidor a little pasture land on the kids. And, you know, eight years later, everything's changed. And I've been through heaps of different things, but I probably wouldn't try it for the world. Now, to be honest, like, it's, it is just life that is just part of my journey. It's part of my growth, and it won't ever stop until my heart stops, and then I don't have to worry about that sort of done well.
Robbie Frawley:Any Thank you like to don't have to, but if you've got any you'd like to put out there.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Yeah. A huge thank you, to my family, to my wife and kids. They sacrificed so much in, in putting up with me, you know, really hard work in a, because I'm so miserable, and that that has an effect on them. And they tried so much of their own time. Yeah, to be helpful and understanding of things. And it also, to the people I've had, who have shown me will given me a little tidbit to go on. You know, there's other people, I think it's just important to focus on the good bits, because as those little shining bits of light that you find, it's so awesome that people go out of the way like the block here, rang me up. He didn't have to do that. But he just felt compelled. And I suppose that's changed for me to hear. Like if I see someone or something, it's may or may not work for you take it or leave it, but it was good for me.
Robbie Frawley:Well, thank you so, so much. It's been such a pleasure to meet you and hear some of your story. And I really, really appreciate it. And I think it'll be hugely beneficial to those listening. So thank you.
Lloyd Polkinghorne:Thanks, Robbie. And I appreciate the project you're doing. I think it's amazing. It's gonna be one of those little things that people who've come across and will add value to their life and are on the journey to grow.
Robbie Frawley:Hey, guys, it's Robbie. Again. I'll have shownotes on everything we talked about this episode on the podcast website. There's a link to that in the podcast description, along with the full transcript if you find that easy to follow along, or to find what you need. I do need to highlight the neither I nor Lloyd and medical professionals. The advice and learnings which we share during our discussion are not medical advice and should be considered and reviewed in consultation with a trusted medical professional prior to being acted upon. These are simply our learnings from our experiences, take what is valuable, and leave the rest. Now this is the last episode within this initial series. But as I record this outro things are beginning to open up again where I live here in Victoria after another start stop year of COVID lockdowns and restrictions. I've got a bunch of brilliant people already lined up. And soon I'll be able to get out across the country again to continue to interview people who have recovered from neurological issues, so that I can bring their stories of recovery to you. If you have any suggestions of people to interview, or feedback on the series thus far, which you would like me to know, please do so by email at stories of dot recovery rf@gmail.com. There's also a link to that in the podcast description. I want to sincerely thank all of my guests on this first series. The courage you've shown to share your stories for the benefit of others is extraordinary. And to those listening, know that you are not alone. There is hope and that you can get better until I speak with you again. I wish you courage and energy on your own journey forward